The Beer Has Better Taste in Music Than I Do

Beer and music always go together. It is a major component of the drinking process and it is integral to the brewing process here at Fordham and Dominion Brewing.  I realized this the other day as we listened to the Avett Brothers album I And Love And You, for the billionth time.  You see, our Brewmaster believes that better beer is made with better music.  And I am ashamed to admit, the beer has better taste in music than I do.

Like beer, music is best left to those with crazy beards

This led to an interesting train of thought (hopefully this train does not derail).  When we write about our beer and describe it for magazines and news articles - we mention every single ingredient that goes into it, the hops, the malt, the yeast, heck, sometimes even the water. But we never mention the music that was played to the beer. Middle school science experiments would indicate that music may make up an interesting portion of the beer's personality (One word: DoppelBach).

In middle school, a lot of us had the opportunity to participate in science fair projects.  Some of us forgot about the science fair and then faked a month long experiment overnight ("I call it cup of dirt.  It is a cup...of dirt"), while others prepared months in advance.  At the fair,  there was always that one weird kid hanging out on the perimeter of the fair; the homeschooler who never showered, smelled like cheese, and used big words like "cenosillicaphobia,"(I call that weirdo "Brother") who had experimented with playing music to plants. The experiment always hypothesized that plants prefer classical music and will wither and die if you play them death metal.  The results of the experiment always proved the hypothesis correct.  Apparently plants react to the music in their environment.  They also have very refined taste in music.

According to this science fair project, snacks are a personality indicator....I wonder what Cheez-its mean.

If music affects plants so much, one can only imagine how it affects beer.  That is why I am proposing that all of our labels detail the music that was played to that beer.  No one wants to drink a Hop Mountain that was made more bitter by being forced to listen to Alanis Morissette, though one may want to drink a Hop Mountain that was infused with more bitterness by Kanye West (Yo, Taylor, I'm really happy for you. I'mma let you finish). Likewise, any good Helles Lager should be exposed to the stylings of George Thorogood and the Delaware Destroyers and a strong, German maibock should listen to Beethoven's 9th.

Beer has personality, and that personality should be respected through the brewery's musical choices.  That is why we let our Brewmaster determine which albums are played around our beers.  If you ever drop by during the day, you will notice the careful music choices that are made.  (I like to think that our beer is a little bit hipster, listening to music most people have not heard of yet.)

All that to say, the next time you are drinking a beer and it tastes a little off, ask yourself "Did someone play Vanilla Ice to this poor beer?"

Yes. That is Vanilla Ice.

It Was Like Wrestling An Alligator

Day two commenced much like day one -- with the hope that they were kidding about having me try every single job in the brewery.  No such luck.  As soon as 9AM rolled around and Walter rolled in and told me to "boot up,"I knew I was in for another one of those days.

The day was made even more interesting by the fact that my officemate rolled in to the office in a funk.  As it turns out, one can suffer from a contact funk.  Fortunately, when you are funkafied in the brewing world, that is still like being lethargic on the best day of your life.  This funkaliciousness (Note: not to be confused with Fergaliciousness. (Definition: make them boys go loco)) lasted until lunch.  (I also just wanted to see how many times I could use the word funk in a paragraph.)

The training day began by taking the gravities of the beers in the fermentation tanks.   When a beer enters it's primary fermentation, it is essential to monitor the vitals so that you know when the chemical reaction has concluded.  During the primary fermentation, the yeast eats the sugars and, as byproducts, produces carbon dioxide and alcohol (in case you are wondering, it is ethyl alcohol).  For an ale this process takes from 3-4 days and for a lager it can take from 7-14 days.  The measured gravities and temperatures indicate when the reaction has flatlined and the yeast may be extracted.

After being released from a meeting, I was once again given the opportunity to bask in the wisdom of Walter.  He told me that one of the beers was going to be dry hopped tomorrow (And no, that is not something that middle school kids do at a dance (Thanks for that line, Sam Adams employee)).   My mission, should I choose to accept it, was to hook up a bajillion hoses to R2Hop2, our dry hopping machine.  Let me tell you, not only are these hoses heavy, they are unyielding.  It was like wrestling an alligator.  Not only do you have to hold the heavy hose in one hand, you have to clamp it and close the clamp with the other hand.  When you are a Charles Atlas 98-pound weakling, this is more difficult than you can ever imagine. Walter kept offering to help me, because he is a stand-up guy like that.  However, my stubborn self came out in full force.  I told him that if regular employees could do it without help, I would do it without help too.  It took me 20 minutes to hook up one hose, but I could not give up once I made up my mind.  Fortunately, Walt is super patient and all that time gave him the opportunity to make up songs about the situation.

Then, it was time to Lauter Tun.  As I mentioned yesterday, I will eventually work my time down to 7 minutes.  In my head I have already decided that someday there will be a situation in which someone says "Dear God!  Can anyone clean this Lauter Tun in under seven minutes and save the children?" And I will be able to smile out of the corner of my mouth and say, "It is funny you would ask that, because yes. Yes, there is someone who can."

I started by pushing all of the grain to the sides of the Lauter Tun.  Then I asked Walt to get out his stopwatch, because I was going in...ninja style. And by ninja style, I mean loudly and obviously.  That is what we call irony.

Things were going well for the first two minutes.  I squeegeed the sides well.  I pushed all of the grain down into the auger hole.  But then it was time to hose.  The first piece of pie went wonderfully.  In my head, I was already imagining beating the record, climbing out of the metal kettle, and being carried on my peer's shoulders like a god. In the midst of this reverie, I made a rookie mistake.  I let the pressure of the hose get too high.  It proceeded to knock grain all over the clean sections.  In my haste to correct that error, I dragged grain on the bottom of my shoes into the clean areas.  Things went from bad to a slapstick comedy in two seconds when I sprayed myself in the face with the hose.   The stopwatch read 11 minutes at this point.

After talking Walter into cleaning my glasses, because I cannot see a damn thing without them, I was back on the job. I had to re-do all of my work.  When I finally pulled myself out of the Lauter Tun, the watch read 18 minutes.  It was 7 minutes less than my time yesterday, but still not acceptable.  Today is a new day, however, and I suspect it is the day that I get the time down to at least 15 minutes.

The day ended well, with an Oak Barrel Stout and the backwards spelling game.  My new hobby is spelling words backwards and, when drinking, it becomes like Extreme Backwards Spelling.

They Were Serious When They Said That Everyone Cleans the Lauter Tun

When I first interviewed with Jim for the position, he told me that everyone spends a week "rubber booting" in the brewery.  In my head, that meant that I would get to watch the well-trained employees throw hops into brew kettles and put bottles into boxes.  Little did I know that they would have me do the jobs myself.  This became apparent when I began sneezing French Farmhouse Ale out my nose.

The day started like a normal day.  I walked into the office and sat at my desk to answer emails.  Then Walter, Mr. Brewmaster, rolled in.  He told me to "boot up" because today was my day.  I laughed a little, and then realized that he was serious.  It was time to rubber boot.

The first job of the day involved getting the old yeast out of one of the fermentation tanks.  Because the tanks are shaped conically, the dead yeast settles to the bottom during the primary fermentation process.  To extract that yeast, one has to hook up a bunch of hoses to the base of the tank and hope that the pressure and gravity are enough to drive it out.  We had begun the process of removing the yeast from GiGi, our French Farmhouse Ale, right about the time that Walt began explaining that you can tell how a beer is progressing based on how it smells and the yeast feels.  I was running the yeast through my fingers (which is a really weird experience, it kind of feels like hair mousse and smells like bread) when Walt asked me if I could smell the cherry flavor in the beer. 

I can recall thinking in the back of my head "Don't do it. Don't smell the yeast.  He will smash it in your face."  But, as usual, I went against my better judgement.  Next thing I knew, I had Farmhouse Ale yeast all over my face, in my nose, and in my hair.  On the plus side, I don't have a beard like Walt, and when I retaliated, he ended up with yeast in his beard, hair, and shirt (And if I figure out which pair of boots are his, it will be there too).

Later in the day, shortly after lunch, Walt told me to boot up again.  It was time to clean the Lauter Tun (Insert foreboding music: dun dun DUN).  The lauter tun generally completes the third step in the brewing process.  It takes all of the grain and liquid from the mash mixer and uses the husks of the grain as a filtration bed to extract as many sugars as possibile from the wort.  It is then sparged with water at intervals to keep the grain wet.  After all of the fermentable sugars have been removed from the mixture, you are left with just a thick bed of grain at the bottom of the tank.  We give this grain to a local farmer.

So, there it was.  The LAUTER TUN.  A giant tank with no ladder and a device with feet in the middle that plows the grain.  We started on the brewing platform, hosing down the grain that was stuck to the sides of the the tank.  I made this part last as long as possible.  I like to think of it as killing time before being executed by continuing to order food for my last meal (Yes, I will have another pizza. Thank you for asking).  I have a fear of climbing into things because I don't know that I can climb out.  I can't even do a girl pushup.  Walt told me that I would be fine.  But he also once told me that I seemed like a cool person, so I already knew his judgement may be a little faulty.

I climbed into the Lauter Tun. It was how I imagine that a submarine would be (minus the sharks with lasers on their heads) with the addition of grain stuck to the walls.  Walt jumped in after me and handed me the hose and a squeegee. You have to clean in a counterclockwise direction, forcing the grain into a hole at the bottom.  I started with the squeegee and was able to force most of the grain into the opening.  Then I hosed down the false bottom of the tank.  It is divided into pie pieces, and you clean the first one, then clean your shoes, and then step onto the clean one as you work your way clockwise around the bottom of the tank.  It probably took me 15 minutes to get the tank cleaned in a "Walt Approved" manner.  He claims he can get it done in 8 minutes.  My competitive nature has kicked in.  Now I have to be able to do it in 7 minutes.

By the time I pulled myself out of the Lauter Tun, I was soaking wet.  Apparently people who are good at cleaning it don't get even slightly wet.  Consequently, I am in the process of getting them to change the name of the Lauter Tun to the "Wet T-Shirt Lauter Tun."  I think it sounds sexier and I hear people are into that.