Baby's First Beer Dinner

Beer is not my only love. Anyone who has been acquainted with me for longer than a year knows that I harbor a secret ambition.   My greatest aspiration in life is to become the next Adam Richman, or at least his personal assistant (If you are reading this, Adam, we have a beer challenge here that NO ONE has beaten yet).  There is something about the concept of Man V. Food that appeals to me on about thirty different levels.  I don't know if it is the massive quantities of food (awesome) or the varieties of deliciousness that he gets to consume (super awesome), but all I want out of life is a chance to prove how much I LOVE food too.  That is one of the reasons why my first beer dinner, last Wednesday, excited me so much (I am imagining my mother putting a picture from this occasion in my baby book under the statement "Baby's First Beer Dinner").

Adam Richman -- My celebrity crush

One of the events that people come across quite often in the brewing industry is the ever piquant beer dinner.  This is an opportunity for restaurants to combine the two most delicious things ever invented, food and beer, in a way that opens the diner's eyes to a whole new experience.  Many restaurants will use the beer dinner to break away from their normal menu and experiment with flavors and ingredients that fall outside their usual offerings.  They then choose to highlight either one particular brewery or  many different companies.  When a single brewery is offered a beer dinner hosting gig, the restaurant will often send staff members to the brewery to sample all of the beers, while making pairing decisions with the input of the brewers.  Then, on the day of the event, either the brewer or one of the other brewery experts will speak on the chosen beers at the dinner, generally between courses. I HIGHLY recommend this experience to anyone who loves food and beer.

On Wednesday, the chosen locale for the beer dinner was Roma -- the very restaurant where I first made the awkward acquaintance of my new coworkers.  I was super excited, as the wine dinner there last month impressed me so much AND I am kind of the biggest fan of their staff.

I arrived there shortly before the dinner began with the intention of helping Britt arrange some of our marketing materials on the tables.  As usual, she was four steps ahead of me. Everything was in order when I walked through the door.

Was there ever a more beautiful sight?

The dinner commenced with the ONE menu item I did not take a picture of (probably because I was starving and devoured it instantaneously); the seared scallop with white bean salsa.  This was combined with GiGi's Farmhouse Ale. I was BEYOND ecstatic.  For starters, it was THE MOST DELICIOUS PAIRING EVER.  The white bean salsa had a little bit of mustard in it, which complemented the mellow taste of the ale to perfection.  I hesitate to admit my initial bias toward this course, but scallops and GiGi are both some of my favorite things (I am currently imagining Julie Andrews singing that).

The second course was an asparagus bisque with white truffle butter poached shrimp.  Helles Lager was paired with this and it was very good.  The crisp taste of the lager complimented the salty, creaminess of the bisque.  When I said that the previous course was my favorite, I had not yet tried this. (I apologize for the pictures, my camera is abysmal.)

Asparagus Bisque

When the Brew Master tried the next course, he made the unequivocal statement that he would never eat any goat cheese but fried goat cheese again in his life.  I must second that opinion.  If you have not tried fried goat cheese, you have not lived (I am fairly certain that is a direct quote from Thoreau).   Technically titled a "goat cheese fritter" and garnished with citrus vinaigrette and micro greens, this crispy, tangy, flavor explosion was made 72% more enjoyable when consumed with Wisteria Wheat.  The subtle clove and chamomile flavors in the Wisteria Wheat danced across my palate, enhancing the vinaigrette atop the fritter.  This was my favorite dish at the conclusion of this course.

Goat Cheese Fritter

The final real food course (not to be confused with fake food: i.e., dessert) was a short rib slider, perched atop a brioche roll, and liberally decorated with shallots, bleu cheese, and tomato jam.  The Doppelbock was chosen to accompany this treat.  The caramel undertones of the Doppelbock paired perfectly with the savory slider.

Short Rib Slider

Dessert followed hard upon (I have been reading Shakespeare lately.  Forsooth, my language reflects that).  Now, more than anything in life, I am a dessert person.  I hesitate to call myself a future diabetic, but it may be true; my great-grandfather was a diabetic dentist.  For dessert, Roma paired cinnamon donuts with espresso ganache and Oak Barrel Stout.  It was fried perfection. The espresso ganache cascaded my taste buds and contrasted with the semi-sweet donuts; the vanilla undertones and oak chips in the stout juxtaposed the decadence of the dessert.

Donuty Goodness

In many ways, this dinner reminded me of the line from the movie Office Space (except the opposite) -- Every single course was better than any one before it.  So that means that every course was the best course of my life.

Mr. Richman, if you are reading this.  I think I just proved that I love food as much as you do.

I Scrambled Like Eggs

If anyone sees me today and I am hunched over like Quasimodo, there is a reason for that, and it has nothing to do with my recent interest in the science behind keg stands (I am mostly trying to answer the "why would you do that?" question).  In fact, yesterday had every chance of being a normal day.

Does it make me a bad person that I don't think I could love Quasimodo based on how he looks? Who dresses like that?

I was sitting at my desk when the call came in.

"Lauren,"  the voice said,"We need you on the bottling line today."

My heart sank in my chest. Manual labor? Today?

I showed up at the bottling line.  The cacophony of bottles hitting the conveyor belt and the thud of the packaged beer boxes hitting the pallats sent my blood pressure skyrocketing.  It was not until later that I realized the blessing of the noise.

The head of the bottling line, Big John, approached me.  As he explained what I would be doing, I could not help but be distracted by his giant beard.

People tell me that I have a small obsession with beards because it is the first thing that I notice about people.  This is for two reasons: first, if you are a woman, whoa, you have a beard.  Second, beards are face hair, and I cannot help but wonder what purpose it serves.  Eyebrows obviously keep foreign materials out of the eyes.  Consequently, nose hair must keep foreign materials out of the mouth.  But beards?

Most people lack the vocabulary necessary to talk about beards. I hope this helps.

John told me that I would be pressing a button with my foot.  This button would signal to the conglomeration of 24 bottles that it was time for them to drop into the box.  I would then fold down the box flaps so that they could be glued properly by the machine that came after my part.  And I would do this for two hours and like it.

The first couple of boxes went well. I was keeping up pace with the bottling line.  I thought I might be an assembly line prodigy. But then, CATASTROPHE STRUCK.  Except in real life, it wasn't really a catastrophe.  I just let a box get through the system without folding the box flaps down properly.  So the machine glued bottles together instead.

The bottles on the conveyor belt jittered anxiously, stacking up pile upon pile, as I tried to correct my error.  Fortunately, there are people who work the bottling line every day that know how to fix things when n00bs work the line.  Lee quickly corrected my error and the world returned to normal for five minutes.

The next mistake that I made involved trying to wrestle a box off of the conveyor belt before it glued improperly again.  The way the box conveyor belt works, it is possible to have a box try to enter the gluing machine at an angle. WHICH IT CANNOT DO.  So instead, it just keeps bouncing against the sides of the machine.  Let me tell you, the conveyor belt is a strong beast.  It took all of my powers to pull that box back and correct its trajectory. Meanwhile, I had accidentally stepped on the button telling the other side of the machine to fill another box with bottles.  So that box was hurling at me from the back, while I wrestled this other box at the front. I cannot begin to even imagine how much of an idiot I looked like.

The next picture on the camera is of me drinking all of this Oak Barrel Stout

Then there was also the box that the six pack packaging was slightly off kilter.  So when I pressed the foot button, the bottles bounced all over the place. And I scrambled like eggs (I really want this phrase to catch on).

It was not all bad, however.  In fact, the noise was good, because it meant that I could sing as loud as I wanted and no one could hear me.  In two hours, it is possible to make it through most of Handel's Messiah.

No Cheez-It Is Safe After 5PM

If you are reading this, it is now day seven of the "Special Stout Diet."  The side effects of switching to a stout-based diet are now becoming apparent.  To begin with, dancing can occur anywhere at anytime.  My public appearances are becoming a liability.  No Cheez-it is safe after 5PM.

I don't always eat Cheez-Its, but when I do, I prefer Scrabble Jr. Cheez-Its, as they serve a dual purpose.

My ability to work has not been affected. In fact, I have accomplished more this week than any of the weeks prior.  I like to think that it is one of the advantages of having a drink for breakfast, rather than the fact that I now know more about what I am supposed to be doing.

I believe that drinkers, like gamblers in a poker game have tells - that little signal that they are buzzed and are rapidly approaching drunk territory (I refer to this little adventure and the subsequent return as "going there and back again -- A Hobbit's Tale," which is a super nerdy Lord of the Rings reference).  My tell is that I start cleaning superficially.  I move things from visible surfaces to cabinets and closets.  Some mornings, I wake up at home and cannot find anything. All that to say, my office is cleaner now than it has been in weeks.  There is no longer a giant stack of papers on my desk... but there is now a giant stack of papers in my drawer.

Through the miracle of "Paper Osmosis," the papers on my desk went from an area of high concentration (my desk surface) to an area of low concentration (my desk drawers).  Equilibrium is currently being maintained between both areas.

In terms of hunger, it is not so gnawing.  I have adapted to this new schedule of beer consumption.  The breakfast beer usually keeps me full for a while, but by the time I get to the lunch beer, I am a little hungrier.  To adapt to this change in pace, I have started eating dinner at four.  This meal lasts two hours.  I don't think that this is cheating, since I don't eat again before I go to bed.

I am not sick of Oak Barrel Stout.  It has given me the opportunity to really appreciate it for its fine craftsmanship...which reminds me of the XKCD comic strip I am posting below.

Someone Once Called Me The "Michael Scott of Analogies" - I Try to Live Up to That Praise Every Day

I cannot lie.  The first day of the Special Stout Diet did not go off quite as planned.  At 8AM, I drank my first stout, and that went well.  As it turns out, it is a very pleasant breakfasty flavor.  I suspect that it is the vanilla beans that make it so delightful.

I feel bad for all of the people who are so limited in their breakfast choices....Except for waffles. Mhmmm, waffles.

Lunch ended up being  a little more of a problem.   I felt like the world's biggest derelict looking for beer for lunch.  A lot of my coworkers don't know about this experiment so I assumed they were judging me as the world's biggest (Soon to be bigger. (See what I did there? That is a pun)) lush. Fortunately, the Oak Barrel Stout on nitrogen quickly allayed those feelings and any inhibitions I had about writing a press release.

Then came dinner.  I am under the impression that the purpose of a diet is to eat less.  However, upon being deprived of real food for most of the day (and despite not actually feeling hungry as a result), I hit dinner like it was going out of style, or like I was at my parent's house and my older brother was going to eat the last pizza.  I started with a breakfast sandwich, then moved on to a plate of brownies with chocolate. Then I went out to dinner, where I scarfed down cheese fries, barbeque chicken, bread, and chicken wings.  It was not a pretty sight. I would say it was as pleasant as watching Tarzan garotte a T-Rex (Someone once called me the "Michael Scott of analogies."  I try to live up to that praise every day).

A buffet would have been the perfect addition to my diet thus far...

The side effects so far have been minimal -- I am a little more easygoing.  But I also have to plan when I eat more carefully to make sure that I am not drinking and driving or drinking and hanging out with small children. I am also starving when it comes time to eat a real meal.  This beer replacement diet may actually make me more rotund.

I Make Stupidity A Science

Many have commented on the inspiration for the stories contained within this blog.  Mostly,  it comes from someone thinking of something really really dumb, and someone like me doing it and then hyperbolizing it in writing.  I make stupidity a science.  And that scientific approach to stupidity has catalyzed the next month of writing.

A long time ago, in the age PB (pre brewery), I read an article or had a drunken conversation with someone about stouts.  The informant indicated that stouts were intended to be malty and more starchy because the Irish needed a nutritional supplement during the potato famine, and stouts were essentially liquid bread.  In short, my ancestors used beer in place of meals.

I call this picture "Irishman with a Potato"

Now, I could Google this to find out just how true it is, but rather than attempt something rational, I am going to attempt something scientific. For the next month, I will be attempting the "Special Stout Diet." It derives its name from my head and the Special K Diet.  This flies in the face of everything Hollywood (Hugh Jackman gave up beer when he toning up for XMen), but I want to know if it is possible tone up and lose the winter weight on a beer-based diet.

What normal, healthy people eat...

Like the Special K Diet, I intend on replacing two meals a day.  However, rather than consuming something lame like cereal, I will be drinking 12 ounces of Oak Barrel Stout.  The third meal will be a normal meal.  

...what I will be eating

I anticipate many issues. Namely, scurvy.  However, I think that the third meal can mitigate that risk if I make sure to eat foods high in Vitamin C, or even take Vitamin C supplements.  I also think that Church might be an issue, as I will be rolling into services at 11am reeking of alcohol.   Some are also concerned about my liver (Hi Mom!). To those naysayers I reply, I plan on having children that will have livers I can borrow later in life. 

Prepare for tipsy posts, until I adjust to beer for breakfast.  Also, start making bets as to how long I can last.

All that to say, hello, Breakfast. Bottoms up.

Einstein's Theory of Awkwardity

For most of my life I was THAT kid.  Whenever my Mom brought me to play-dates, the other moms would grab their children and whisper among themselves," Who brought the awkward kid? Is it communicable? Will my baby catch it if they play together?"  And while no one ever admitted it, I suspect that most of those moms took their kids to the doctors afterwards to have them tested for ADD, just in case it was contagious.

As I grew up, I ascertained that you are only the awkward kid if there is not someone who is more awkward than you at any location (Einstein's theory of awkwardity). That was when I learned to bring someone more awkward than me anytime I went to a party. Usually, this person had to be really into horses or only talk about Jello.

These are some of my siblings. We go many places together.

Recently, upon taking up a job at a brewery, I discovered that bringing a pack of beer somewhere has the same mitigating effects that bringing an awkward person places does. Cool people bring beer, so when I bring beer, I am all of a sudden a cool person.  This impression can last up to five minutes, usually until I start talking.  That was the case at the Super Bowl party I attended this weekend.

Of course I brought Oak Barrel Stout, because it is not only my favorite, but I think it should be everyone else's favorite as well.  And like any good employee, I made sure to be standing near the beer table in case anyone had any questions about it (also to make sure that it was the first beer that we ran out of...yeah. (I had to end that sentence with another word, otherwise it would have ended in a preposition)).

Fortunately, my sister was also at this party.  Now, if you don't know my relationship with my sister, it is important that you know she is like my manager.  Anytime we go anywhere, she negotiates the stupid things that I do to make sure that I don't get ripped off (one time someone tried to get me to eat a stick of butter for $1.  She told him that I would only eat 3 tablespoons for $1). In exchange, on a successful night, I will use that money to buy her a sandwich.  She also warns people.  On Super Bowl night, she was preemptively warning people, before they got close to the beer table, not to ask me about beer.

Finally, someone walked up to me and asked me why I was being awkward by the beer table.  It gave me a nice opening to talk about how awesome Oak Barrel Stout was, and in two seconds, I convinced them to try a bottle.  They then opened the bottle and began to drink out of it.

Now, if I have three pet peeves (I actually have 37),  number three is people drinking good beer out of the bottle.  That is a waste of a good beer.  Science shows that up to 90%(!) of taste is as a result of smell.  If you are drinking out of a bottle, you are missing out on 90% of that taste.  Craft beer should always be consumed out of a glass.  You wouldn't drink wine out of the bottle -- why would you do that with beer?

Within two seconds (total time to convince that person to drink the beer + total reaction time = 4 seconds),  I was nerding out on their consumption of beer and asking them nicely to put it in a glass, otherwise they would be missing out on the oak and vanilla notes in Oak Barrel.   They saw the error of their ways, promised never to do it again, and complied.  Oak Barrel Stout was the only beer that we ran out of at the party, and EVERYONE said that they would be drinking more of it in the future.

Shortly thereafter, my sister told me I was being a tool, and then a random dude came up to me and told me that he heard I would fight anyone for a dollar.  All in all, it was a pretty good Super Bowl.