No Cheez-It Is Safe After 5PM

If you are reading this, it is now day seven of the "Special Stout Diet."  The side effects of switching to a stout-based diet are now becoming apparent.  To begin with, dancing can occur anywhere at anytime.  My public appearances are becoming a liability.  No Cheez-it is safe after 5PM.

I don't always eat Cheez-Its, but when I do, I prefer Scrabble Jr. Cheez-Its, as they serve a dual purpose.

My ability to work has not been affected. In fact, I have accomplished more this week than any of the weeks prior.  I like to think that it is one of the advantages of having a drink for breakfast, rather than the fact that I now know more about what I am supposed to be doing.

I believe that drinkers, like gamblers in a poker game have tells - that little signal that they are buzzed and are rapidly approaching drunk territory (I refer to this little adventure and the subsequent return as "going there and back again -- A Hobbit's Tale," which is a super nerdy Lord of the Rings reference).  My tell is that I start cleaning superficially.  I move things from visible surfaces to cabinets and closets.  Some mornings, I wake up at home and cannot find anything. All that to say, my office is cleaner now than it has been in weeks.  There is no longer a giant stack of papers on my desk... but there is now a giant stack of papers in my drawer.

Through the miracle of "Paper Osmosis," the papers on my desk went from an area of high concentration (my desk surface) to an area of low concentration (my desk drawers).  Equilibrium is currently being maintained between both areas.

In terms of hunger, it is not so gnawing.  I have adapted to this new schedule of beer consumption.  The breakfast beer usually keeps me full for a while, but by the time I get to the lunch beer, I am a little hungrier.  To adapt to this change in pace, I have started eating dinner at four.  This meal lasts two hours.  I don't think that this is cheating, since I don't eat again before I go to bed.

I am not sick of Oak Barrel Stout.  It has given me the opportunity to really appreciate it for its fine craftsmanship...which reminds me of the XKCD comic strip I am posting below.

Someone Once Called Me The "Michael Scott of Analogies" - I Try to Live Up to That Praise Every Day

I cannot lie.  The first day of the Special Stout Diet did not go off quite as planned.  At 8AM, I drank my first stout, and that went well.  As it turns out, it is a very pleasant breakfasty flavor.  I suspect that it is the vanilla beans that make it so delightful.

I feel bad for all of the people who are so limited in their breakfast choices....Except for waffles. Mhmmm, waffles.

Lunch ended up being  a little more of a problem.   I felt like the world's biggest derelict looking for beer for lunch.  A lot of my coworkers don't know about this experiment so I assumed they were judging me as the world's biggest (Soon to be bigger. (See what I did there? That is a pun)) lush. Fortunately, the Oak Barrel Stout on nitrogen quickly allayed those feelings and any inhibitions I had about writing a press release.

Then came dinner.  I am under the impression that the purpose of a diet is to eat less.  However, upon being deprived of real food for most of the day (and despite not actually feeling hungry as a result), I hit dinner like it was going out of style, or like I was at my parent's house and my older brother was going to eat the last pizza.  I started with a breakfast sandwich, then moved on to a plate of brownies with chocolate. Then I went out to dinner, where I scarfed down cheese fries, barbeque chicken, bread, and chicken wings.  It was not a pretty sight. I would say it was as pleasant as watching Tarzan garotte a T-Rex (Someone once called me the "Michael Scott of analogies."  I try to live up to that praise every day).

A buffet would have been the perfect addition to my diet thus far...

The side effects so far have been minimal -- I am a little more easygoing.  But I also have to plan when I eat more carefully to make sure that I am not drinking and driving or drinking and hanging out with small children. I am also starving when it comes time to eat a real meal.  This beer replacement diet may actually make me more rotund.

I Make Stupidity A Science

Many have commented on the inspiration for the stories contained within this blog.  Mostly,  it comes from someone thinking of something really really dumb, and someone like me doing it and then hyperbolizing it in writing.  I make stupidity a science.  And that scientific approach to stupidity has catalyzed the next month of writing.

A long time ago, in the age PB (pre brewery), I read an article or had a drunken conversation with someone about stouts.  The informant indicated that stouts were intended to be malty and more starchy because the Irish needed a nutritional supplement during the potato famine, and stouts were essentially liquid bread.  In short, my ancestors used beer in place of meals.

I call this picture "Irishman with a Potato"

Now, I could Google this to find out just how true it is, but rather than attempt something rational, I am going to attempt something scientific. For the next month, I will be attempting the "Special Stout Diet." It derives its name from my head and the Special K Diet.  This flies in the face of everything Hollywood (Hugh Jackman gave up beer when he toning up for XMen), but I want to know if it is possible tone up and lose the winter weight on a beer-based diet.

What normal, healthy people eat...

Like the Special K Diet, I intend on replacing two meals a day.  However, rather than consuming something lame like cereal, I will be drinking 12 ounces of Oak Barrel Stout.  The third meal will be a normal meal.  

...what I will be eating

I anticipate many issues. Namely, scurvy.  However, I think that the third meal can mitigate that risk if I make sure to eat foods high in Vitamin C, or even take Vitamin C supplements.  I also think that Church might be an issue, as I will be rolling into services at 11am reeking of alcohol.   Some are also concerned about my liver (Hi Mom!). To those naysayers I reply, I plan on having children that will have livers I can borrow later in life. 

Prepare for tipsy posts, until I adjust to beer for breakfast.  Also, start making bets as to how long I can last.

All that to say, hello, Breakfast. Bottoms up.